#036: Anxiety.

I've never experienced anxiety like this, at least not that I can remember. This year started with a very sad and numb me. Is it Van Gogh? Did his company help me with it all this years? Everything's gone to shit ever since he died and I don't know how to cope with it, I'm not even sure if it's all because of it, I can't even put my finger on it, I just feel so worthless even tho I know I'm not; I know my family loves me, and my friends, and that there's people that care about me. I know I'm smart, and kind, as well as I know I have my flaws, but still, there's that voice in my head saying nasty things, and sometimes it says nothing at all, but I feel so bad.

My stomach hurts and at first, a few weeks ago, I thought there was something wrong with it, but then I figured out... yeah, no, this is what anxiety feels like, I realized that when I was feeling like this and had my first drink of the night with my friends and, suddenly, the ache was gone. It has nothing to do with my stomach itself, it's my mind, it's fucking me up from the inside. And I know, I know so many things I didn't when I was younger and felt so hopeless, but still, I don't know if this is just something that I have to feel in order for it to go away (as in letting it all wear itself out), or if I have to fight it aggressively.

I'm trying to figure it out, meanwhile I have my period and I don't know if that's whats triggering it right now, but I want to cry so badly and I don't know why.

Also, just started printing my coloring book, at first it was giving me heavy anxiety because my printer wasn't working properly (and it's brand new, mind you, so I was very much stressed), but I figured out how to make it work and that actually made me proud, and sometimes I don't give myself enough credit when I do things right, when I care about something and I work my way into it to learn and fix and make it work. Even if it takes time, even if I don't know if it's going to be worth it in the end, I have patience, I work on my own time, and in the end I get it done.

I'll be fine, just overwhelmed.

♡